It’s December. The most unbearable month of the year for any human being who chooses to leave their home. Christmas is upon us, and while we all have a lovely, fairytale-style idea of it, let’s not forget that some parts of it are absolutely shit.
If only poor baby Jesus could see what we’d done to his birthday, that we’d forgone the traditions of going to church for free wine and mince pies and instead decided to celebrate by sitting in our pyjamas all day eating entire boxes of Quality Street.
In this article, we’ll explore some of the jigsaw pieces of despair that somehow fit together to make up a day of joy and happiness.
01 The Clothes 👖 👗
Christmas clothes are a thing when you’re 10, but no older. Adults who buy “Christmas jeans” or “Christmas boots”, ie. clothes to wear on Christmas Day and any other time after that, should be banned from joining in with the celebrations.
02 The ‘Secret Santa’ Bollocks 🤐
“Here’s a really good idea” somebody once thought “let’s force a group of people to buy presents with a price limit of £2.50 for each other. That way we can spread the festive joy around the workplace too”.
If you’ve ever wanted a second-hand Westlife CD, or some novelty Christmas soaps from Home & Bargain then this is the game for you. Plus there’s always that one dick who goes and spends 10 times the agreed amount on a real present and makes everyone else look even sillier.
03 The Songs 🎼
One after the other in every single home and shop you visit. It’s like there’s a stock collection of only six songs that can be played, and they’re all from the 80s. Why has nobody managed to come up with a good Christmas song in over thirty years? Why do we all have to be subject to these horrific monstrosities year after year?
04 The Forgotten Week
If you planned to do anything after Christmas Day then forget about it. It’s tradition that between 25 December and 3 January the entire world comes to a standstill and nobody does anything. Shops open as they please, public transport is halted, and everyone walks around in a daze of confusion.
05 The Children
Because some bright spark decided to give children about 15 weeks off for the Christmas holidays, everywhere you go is infested with children. Screaming, shouting, annoying children. It’s frightening and terrifying.
06 The Cards
While receiving Christmas cards is lovely, what do you actually do with them when you’re not a parent? For a dude in his twenties, hanging up Christmas cards in the living room is weird. But then it’s very rude to throw them in the recycling bin straight away isn’t it…? Best keep them on a shelf until March.
07 The Nuclear Bomb Style Preparation
“Right, that fridge needs 25 pints of milk in it and we need at least seventeen loaves of bread to last us. Did someone pick up that boat shipment of toilet roll too?! The shops are closed tomorrow for one whole day, how will we survive?!!!”
08 The Three Months of Christmas
In case you weren’t aware, Christmas now takes up a quarter of the year and begins sometime in October. Those with organised families know that it actually all kicks off in July, which marks the first time that you’re asked if you have any ideas of what presents you want.
09 The Flower of Molesters
Mistletoe – a poor flower that caught up in the fantasies of perverts long ago. Now synonymous with luring in unsuspecting victims to an unwanted kiss and fondle, it’s about time we got rid of this tool of perversion once and for all.
10 The Horrors of Shopping
Shops exist all year round but for many people, it’s only necessary to visit them in November and December. This is because these are the only months when you can buy gingerbread-scented candles and mince pies; the two things that we all know keep the economy afloat.
In fact, our lust for shopping has got so bad that there’s almost no need for decorations in city centres, or festive adverts for washing up powder on tv, because everyone knows that the tell-tale sign that Christmas is coming is when bottles of Baileys and Tia Maria are moved to the front of Tesco stores across the country.
11 The Queueing
The Great British Past-time of queueing is cranked up to extreme levels during the run-up to Christmas.
Remember how you could be in and out of a shop within five minutes last month? Well, the jokes on you dick-breath because it’s Christmas now. Thankfully, the Brits have another specialist skill to utilise to combat queuing – complaining. Notice how small talk about how cold it’s getting is now replaced with tales of how you waited 7 hours in HMV.
12 The Advent Calendar
What better way to get into the spirit than being forced to open a tiny window which doesn’t open without almighty force for 24 days, then being rewarded with a bland and bitter piece of “chocolate”.
Something to look forward to every day – that taste of bland and bitter chocolate that repeats on you for a few hours. I suppose you could say advent calendar is quite representative of Christmas itself.
13 The Obsession with a White Christmas
“Will it snow on Christmas Day this year? Analysis shows that the current temperatures across the country are creating the perfect conditions for snow to fall in exactly three weeks’ time” says every single news outlet in Britain each year. It will probably rain, you heard it here first.
14 The Sacred Christmas Cupboard
When you go home to your parent’s house for Christmas, you naturally revert to your 13-year-old self and start rummaging around the cupboards for something to eat every hour. It’s guaranteed that your mum will have been expecting this erratic behaviour and rush in to shout at you for even being in the kitchen. “Don’t touch that, it’s for Christmas!!!” she’ll yell as the cupboard door creaks. Girl, it’s a fucking yoghurt!
15 The Facebook Countdown
Everyone has that one person on Facebook who decides to take it upon themselves to be a calendar throughout December. Every fucking day, there’ll be a new status about how many days there are left until Christmas, and the rise of that stupid crying-laughing emoji has only made this even more unbearable. Here are some examples:
OMGGG so xxcited for Christmas – 22 days to go 😂😂😂
Cant belive its christtmas 🎄🎄🎄 in 2️⃣1️⃣ days wow 😂
20 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS 🎅🏼🎄🎅🏼 GUYSSSS ✝️😂
16 The Conversation of Stinginess
Building up the courage to approach your best friend with that inevitable “So…are we doing Christmas presents this year?” and both of you not wanting to but begrudgingly agreeing that you will. Then the price limit – in your mind you’re thinking about £5 but you blurt out £30 by accident and that’s settled. Great. Shit.
17 The Faux Niceties
Christmas is a great time to catch up with people you haven’t seen for a while and instantly remember why you don’t bother with them for the other 364 days.
There’s also that person in work who you absolutely despise but then feel obliged to wish a happy Christmas to. A greeting, an awkward hug, and a mind racing with thoughts on how much you’d love to give this person a slap right now are all parts of the act.
18 The Excuse
Everyone loses their inhibitions and goes mad at Christmas, apparently. All throughout December, up and down the country, people are doing crazy things that they wouldn’t normally do.
Would you like to see the dessert menu? – “Oh go on, it’s Christmas!!”
Do you need a plastic bag? – “Oh go on, it’s Christmas!!”
Are you interested in being a victim of fraud? – “Oh go on, it’s Christmas!!”
19 Black Friday
No. Stop this now. We do not want it.
20 The Anonymous Greetings
So the big day is here, we wouldn’t know if it wasn’t for that girl on Facebook helping us to remember. You wake up, and there’s those couple of texts, from that rare breed of people who still text, wishing you a happy Christmas and all that jazz.
But there’s always one with a number that isn’t saved in your phone and you think “has one of my friends got a new phone, or is this some guy I slept with a couple of months ago?” Either way you reply with a ‘Merry Christmas to you too!’ and see where the conversation goes from there – either a catch up with a pal, or sex. Wonderful!
21 The Go-To Reply for Anything Negative
Having just recovered from a bout of extreme vomiting because of all that mulled wine you’ve just downed, you have little choice but to drink another one because you’ll be labelled The Grinch or Scrooge by everyone nearby. This applies to anything loosely related to Christmas, and the only way to avoid it is by complying with every festive activity you’re invited to.
22 The Day After
Christmas Day is the time of year to be happy, grateful for everything you have, and be surrounded by the ones you love. Boxing Day is the polar opposite. It is entirely acceptable to revert back to your wicked self after 24 hours of joy because you can blame fatigue and/or stress.
It is also a day when all of the Christmas specials on TV are the Christmas specials that weren’t good enough for Christmas Day so even being a slob is shite.
23 The Never-ending Spending
This is a bit of a serious one to end on. It’s really, really sad that Christmas day is now one of the busiest days for spending money in the UK. Yeah, everyone has their new phones and tablets and notebooks but that doesn’t mean you have to sit there browsing shops online. Be grateful for what you got already this Christmas, and more importantly be grateful for those you have around you. Rather than spending the day seeing what trash Amazon are selling off, eat another Quality Street chocolate, play a game with your siblings, or just be a slob on the couch.